Singleness: what's in it for us?

Disclaimer: I tried to sum up everything I had experienced for the last three years. I talk alot and my stories most of the time are detailed which wouldn't fit a blog entry. hehe! Hope my experience will help you find answers to your search.

This year had been a time to test and practice my faith. One of the challenges I had since I accepted Jesus in my life is the contentment in just having Him in my life.  Having been in a relationship before and now three years and counting without it is really God's grace. If you're 26 or above and single you'll know how it feels sometimes when you see your friends and relatives getting married one by one or having kids. And this had been my prayer since last year, to see this as a gift.

I used to have premature relationships. Not having enough patience and wisdom were the culprits thereby resulting to break ups, loss of self worth and pain. Being single for more than three years gave me time to evaluate myself in a relationship and decide what I want my next relationship to be. And I credit God for providing a support group who really took their accountability seriously and a series of Sunday service about intimacy with God. I thank God for Joshua Harris and Carolyn McCulley, too, for writing books which gave me a different perspective in relationships.

I grew up having friends like most of us do. Most of the time, they were there in my trying times that I am comfortable sharing my troubles, dreams and secrets with them. I guess, most of us are like that to our friends since they are there to listen, share our sorrows, advise us and in return we are just thankful and most of the time take their advise. With them we can share our thoughts without judgement nor pretentions. The more we share our thoughts and experiences with these friends, the more they know us vise-versa. The more we spend time and talk to them the more we grow closer and intimate with them. And that's what I have learned and, by God's grace,  came to be intimate with God. He drew me closer to Him by making himself available through prayers. By His grace He continually reveals himself to me through his traits and promises. God and I started our friendship as I believed his promises and obeyed his pieces of advise and commands. "And the scripture was fulfilled that says, 'Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,' and he was called God’s friend." James 2:23 NIV  

It began but didn't stop there. There were days and nights that I will ask God, ' Now that I know who you are, what you did for me and that I want you in my life, why can't I have a boyfriend right now? Don't you love me? Don't you want to see me happy?' or 'Lord, why am I still single?' (Single ladies like me will know how painful asking these questions especially if you are almost 30 or 40.) But, our God is great that He allowed me to see and answer my own questions. One day, I took the advise of some friends, 'go on dates'. I figuratively joined the dating club to find what I asked from God. I don't know if you do this, but being the hopeless romantic that I am I have this checklist in finding my next boyfriend. hehe! I have grouped my checklist to negotiable and non-negotiable. So whenever I find someone interesting, I review my checklist if the things I see were part of non-negotiable and negotiable! To my dissappointment, I didn't find what I'm looking for.  It seemed that there's something missing in the equation. Until I was comforted by God's word, " For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11  That's it! God's time is missing in my equation!

So now what? I've searched but I didn't find the type of man I was looking for and prolly I will never find one in my checklist. Maybe God's plan is different. And I can't insist on what I want. If I insist it just might turn out as a disaster. Back to the start then break up, loss of self-worth and pain. Aba'y para lang akong naghanap ng sakit ng ulo at walang natutunan! "Anong gagawin kung ang bagay na nawala ay hindi mahanap, hindi mapalitan, at hindi makalimutan? Tatanggapin." That was my favorite line from 2006 Cinemalaya Best Picture Tulad ng Dati, which made me think, if it's not for me right now, why don't I just accept it? It's not bad being single anyway.

Being single doesn't equate to the term left out. It depends on how we view ourselves in the situation. Most people look for romance that's why hopeless romantic novels, movies or series always sell. Yes, it's one of the things we want but it's not everything that we want right? If we long to have the things we don't have we'll definitely feel bad about ourselves but if we start seeing the present as a blessing then it will be an avenue for us to be a blessing to other people too. 

I'm still a work in progress. God is still continuously working on my life and that's only by His grace. And as a friend of God, I just want to be with Him all the days of my life and even eternally (by His grace). And now that I am for Jesus, my decision is to love Him and glorify Him in my life. And now that I am single that my earthly concerns are not as many as that of the married, I am blessed with time. I have time to celebrate life along with my single friends, talk to my married friends and learn from them about marriage and parenting, treat my nephews and neices. I have time to choose the days to commit myself to the Lord in the ministry and my dgroup. I have the time to enjoy the things I love doing - time with my bandmates, choose to study more like learning another language or sports or new skills, travel with my mom, bond with my brother, sleep more than 10 hours on my off, hang out and read the book I want at Powerbooks after office hours, splurge whenever I want and need to and the list goes on. There is more to life than worrying about the future. "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

So am I okay being single forever? My answer is, if God sees that I can glorify Him more that I am single, I'll be more than okay. It'll be great for me. I know who my God is and I want to know Him more. He had been always faithful in His promises and His love endures forever. He created me and know me more than I know who I am. And He will not give me something that will harm me. I trust God more than myself to decide for me. So if God sees that I will glorify Him more that I am married then let His plan be fulfiled in me. " Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37: 4

Let me share to you the things I've learned lately. I'm still young and if God's plan is for me to be in a relation ship and get married eventually, here are the things I wanted to have and be based on my decision to glorify Him. Whenever there would come a time that I mean somebody interesting I go back to read this so that I'll be guided by wisdom and not spur of the moment. Jesus rescued me and it took time for me to recover from emotional trauma brought by painful break up, do I want to go back and experience that again? No way!  I believe that "Romance without wisdom is a short-lived happiness". These are not absolute truths but I find them helpful for me. :)

• Know who your god is. For me my god is God, Jesus. For others it might mean something that rules over you or governs you. If you know who your god is it will be easier for you to know where you are headed.
• What kind of relationship would you like to have? Do you want it serious? Do you want it superficial? Do you just want it for sexual pleasures? In my humble opinion, the kind of relationship you want to have determines your actions once you're in a relationship same as the other party. If you only want it for the sake of it then don't expect that it will fulfill your innermost deisre (which most of our answers will be "loved"). Good for you if as the relationship goes both of you will be serious about it, which sorry to dissappoint you rarely happens. The kind of relationship you want  determines the end result so if you deviate from it, you'll end up getting hurt most of the time. And as a friend of you, I don't want you to experience that. I'd been there and it's expensive to move on. Believe me. (Read as: I've been there.)
• If you're in a serious relationship right now, what role would you like to be?  In my humble opinion, it's important that you know what your role will be in a relationship. As for me, I want to be the woman in the relationship. A serious relationship that is. As a woman I want to be pursued, loved and protected. And in return, I want to support the man I'll be with in our common mission. I want him to be a man and my role is to pursuade and support him to be that man he would like to be. How about you?So what role do you want to have?
• I found a man, I like him and find him interesting, now what? Before I stopped dating, I pray before I meet the guy. I do a mental note of the things he's saying especially those that are for the non-negotiable list that I have like faith, values, family values. For me those are non-negotiable because if those were compromised, it will not satisfy my role in a relationship. And that's what I want. I want to hear what role he would like to take part once we get serious or given in a relationship he is. You? Are you willing to consider the role he/she wants? Will it also satisfy the role you want? Are you willing to compromise?
• Where are we headed then? Where's the relationship going? Is it marriage? Is it going to stay like this for awhile until we don't want it anymore? In my humble opinion, it's better that we know where are relationship is going. Three years ago, I was talking about marriage with my ex-boyfriend then after one and two months of relationship we broke up. I initiated the break up because we are talking about destination( which is marriage) but what we are at that time was not headed there. I realized after three years, when we were talking about destination we were just daydreaming and sharing the same daydream! It may seem easy to read but being in that relationship was emotionally painful and draining. So I hope you'll learn from me and other's experience.  Make sure that the end justifies the means. It'll save you three years of recovering from a break up like me. hehe!
• Keep lines open and honest. I've learned that open and honest communication always work. But of course it involves hardwork, acceptance and forgiveness. There are aditional ingredients to be added depending on your personalities. So feel free to take your time to evaluate yourself now that you're single. Once your'e in a relationship without thinking, it's like cramming on a final exam.
• Pray. Prayers work 100% of the time. It may not turn out as you wanted it to be but if your God is great it will certainly be for your own good.

*I'm not a relationship expert so these are just coming from experiences, books I've read, people who had counselled me and friends' experiences. I don't solely realized them on my own but through prayers and God's abundant wisdom. These are not absolute truths, it's just one of the many things that help me accept that singleness is a blessing. May God bless you as much as I was.