"Dare you to move"

2009, lovelife-wise, was the lowest point of my life at the same time, realtionship-with-God-wise, was the start of what I am enjoying right now. When they said that "When a door closes another opens" (or something like that), that was my case.

Three years ago, I was desperate to get a better life for myself. I mean, what could be worst than a painful heartbreak for a hopeful 23-ish woman who dreamt of having a "perfect" serious relationship with a man she loved? Everyday was a crying time and I recalled that everyday was tiresome. Crying until I fall asleep then a few minutes after waking up I cry again. I feel the pain coming from my heart for real! I really felt like Michael V's song that goes "Sinaktan mo ang puso ko, sinaksak mo ng kutsilyo..." REAL. If there can be an option to be in a coma, I would have taken it. Helpless, depressed, betrayed, dumped, unworthy... name it, I claimed them mine. Then one day, in the middle of my crying-sleeping-crying routine, I felt like taking my life. When I was about to do it, I thought of my mom. The scene when she would come from our province and there I was dead because of failed love. (aw!) Then my friends will go to my wake feeling sorry saying, "I thought she was strong." Then people both who know me or barely know me will just feel sorry for another life taken because of bad romance. Then when Parokya ni Edgar's Buloy will play on the radio, my friends will remember me. (Yes, naisip ko talaga yun!) With that thought, I broke down again, sincerely and desperately prayed to God from the heart. "God, I am nobody. Right now I am a total mess. What I did was beyond repentance. How could I borrow someone else's boyfriend when I can get my own? God, this is not me but I am. And right now I just want you to give me three things. First, a better paying job. Second, a family-like working environment. And third, Please give me a second chance. I want to know you more."

At that point, I really wanted to get out of it. Start anew, away from the pain which little by little is destroying me. I didn't understand why it has to be me. I didn't understand why things went wrong and why this heart is breaking like I 'm going to die. I wanted to find it out but I was too tired to move and I just wanted to die and get over it. I was below zero.

God revealed His faithfulness to me without a doubt.  He answered my three SPECIFIC requests within a week. I got a job offer from a company who gave me 60% raise from my then current salary. As early as the training period, I felt the warmth I was looking for from the trainers, even until opearations everyone I encountered were gracious to really care for me-- like a family would ( as a matter of fact, I'm going on my fourth year with them!). Seven months after, November 2009, I was invited by my friend Charissa to attend CCF and through Pastor Bong's afternoon service, God spoke to me through the message and this words strike me:

I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener.  He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more.  You have already been pruned and purified by the message I have given you.  Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. John 15:1-4

Amidst the people laughing on the pastor's comic reliefs in the preaching, tears are coming out of my eyes. That's when I knew, God answered my third request. (Praise God!)

For weeks now, I had been recounting my experience three years ago to others. Not because I can't move on nor I'm still bitter about it. With all honesty, I had forgiven myself and my ex about what had happened. As Joseph said, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people." (Genesis 50:20). I am sharing it because of the overflowing love that God has shown me, He saved me! That those who can relate will know that God is faithful to us even if we are not. That these painful and extremely difficult situations happen to us because God has plans for us to prosper, to bear fruit. Although my ex didn't intend to deliberately hurt me, still I was hurt and I have to forgive the fact that he was the instrument used to hurt me. And that forgiveness came not from me alone but from God's forgiveness. That what I had gone through is a testimony of God's great love. That single women who are/were in this situation (which is never easy) will find God as the only way out. I'm saying this, because I painfully experienced it - FIRST HAND. And by God's grace alone, through Jesus, I was able to overcome and I know that when you believe in Jesus, You will too.

It's when the exam is difficult that you remember the lesson. And it's when we don't understand things that we need to trust more in God. I don't know to you but whatever situation you're in right now, I know you need more than anything right now is love. And Jesus loved you more than anyone can.

I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love.  When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. 11 I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.  You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me. You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name. - John 15: 9-16

"Between who you are and who you could be. Between how it is and how it should be." Dare you to move by Switchfoot

Segue: Thank you for those who encouraged me to blog about my walk with Christ. You do not know how much you had moved me to write. Please don't cease to encourage bloggers like me. The more people write about their testimony of faith through Jesus, the more souls will be saved. All for Jesus!